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The Rules of Illustrated Facebook Sing-along

Do not talk about Illustrated Facebook Sing-along. Illustrate one line or phrase of the song at a time. Multiple pictures are permitted. Perverse and obtuse interpretations of the lyrics are encouraged. Mondegreens are permitted. Do not keep singing successive lines.…

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Facts that few people know.

In the true tradition of the Internet you should send these facts to everyone you know so that these facts become more widely known.

  • Cold water boils quicker than warm water and a saucepan of solid ice boils quickest.
  • Cardinal Ratzinger (now Pope Benedict XVI) once won a karaoke competition in Berlin singing the Mel Brooks song “Springtime for Hitler”
  • All the buildings in the World Trade Centre were closed from 1 September to 10 September 2001 for ‘maintenance’. This was when rogue CIA operatives planted all the demolition charges.
  • Bicycle lanes are mentioned in chapter three of “Das Kapital” as a means of turning the proletariat towards socialised transportation systems.
  • It is possible to catch a bullet with your teeth, but only if it is less than .22 calibre and fired from over 30 metres away.
  • In 1974, the Shell Oil Company left the balance sheets out of its Annual Reports in all Middle Eastern subsidiaries for fear of insulting Muslims. They were replaced the following year after it was discovered the phrase “Images depicting the prophet” had been mistranslated.
  • Mixing Coca-Cola, vegemite and white vinegar produces a drink with mildly hallucinogenic effects.
  • Bears only defecate in a designated section of the cave in which they hibernate. This means they do not “shit in the woods”.
  • A study by material scientists from the University of Innsbruck in 2001 measured the lengths of string used in over 10,000 household and industrial tasks. The average length was 17.3cm, thus answering the question “How long is a piece of string”.
  • In 1957 Ford briefly released a “four-speed” manual car to compete with a rumoured Dodge model. On closer examination it was actually a three-speed with the numbers, 1,2,4,on the gear knob.
  • From 1926 to 1931, the Northern Territory was divided into Central Australia and North Australia with the border at the 20th parallel of latitude. During this time, Central Australia dropped import tariffs on left-hand drive cars and drove on the right hand side of the road.
  • The high pitched “Woo” in Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” was performed by Michael Jackson.
  • After Michael Jackson’s death, his pet monkey “Bubbles” was euthenased and placed in the casket with him.
  • Coca Cola will  soon be releasing a brand of Amazon Cola where the coca leaves are collected after passing through the digestive tract of a White Faced Capuchin Monkey. It is expected to cost over $2,000 a can.
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The year begins

It is the first day of the working year for me and I am sitting in a morgue. Not literally. I am on the train, but I have never heard it so silent. No one is talking or even making a sound apart from the occasional cough. The sound of me tapping the keyboard of my laptop is reverberating throughout the carriage. I am almost reluctant to continue. In getting the laptop out of my bag, the sound of velcro opening was like the sound of the very space-time continuum being torn asunder. As if I was opening a wormhole in time and we would all be sucked to oblivion. This is surely what the Mayans had predicted.

I suspect the sombre outlook of my fellow passengers is because for many of them too it is the start of the working year. Burdened by new year’s resolutions and the thought of spending the first half of the day telling their fellow workers what they did over the holidays and the second half of the day wading through accumulated email. This includes the 157 emails showing little known colleagues head superimposed on dancing elves and singing some climatically inappropriate song about snow and eggnog.

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The journey home

Post holiday - Pre shaveI am now on the plane home, having watched the award winning safety video starring Richard Simmons and some of the All Blacks. The Francophones are somewhere on the plane, but as yet they have not started singing. My final Au Revoir with them will probably be at the baggage carousel in Sydney.

As we came up through the clouds this morning and I looked out over the vast sea of white I felt for a moment I was back in the ice.

The aftershocks from the earlier two earthquakes continued and there were five tremors before I arrived in Christchurch. Apparently there was another at three o’clock this morning. I did wake up around that time but didn’t realise we had had an earth tremor. There was another one just after I arrived at the airport, although, once again I didn’t feel it.

So now it is all over bar the shouting. And customs, quarantine, duty free and the drive home.

So what of the recap?

It was the best of trips and the worst of trips.

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Bluff/Invercargill – Terra Firma


Container ship in Bluff

My day started a little earlier than intended when Ira decided to get up at 0340 to edit some photos. Over the course of the next two hours he was in and out of the cabin so often I was about to suggest he have a revolving door installed. As predicted we sailed through the night, but being in the lee of Stewart Island the whole time it was a very smooth voyage

The pilot came on board at 0500 and I re-awoke just before 0600 when we were settled into the port. I looked out the porthole and the first thing I saw was the word Italia. “Shit,” I thought, “they’ve taken us to the wrong bloody country.” Luckily it was merely the name of the ship tied up beside us.

We had breakfast and just after 0700 the customs and immigration people came on board. Until they had cleared the ship and the passengers, no-one was to leave the ship. Much to the annoyance of Helen Mawson’s husband who was pacing up and down the dock. (I found out who he was later, until then many people were wondering who the dodgy looking character was. Most suspected a drug dealer.)

Once we were free to leave the ship, we had a group photo on the wharf and the first of many goodbyes. Not just goodbyes from many people, but many instances of goodbyes.

We of course said goodbye to the crew and staff on the ship, but many passengers said goodbye to each other. Then promptly all got on the same bus to go to town or the airport.

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Boxing Day – The Snares

48° 24 minutes south 166° 36 minutes east

Zodiacing in the Snares

So begins the last full day on the boat.

The trip from the Aucklands has been relatively smooth, but for some reason I am feeling a bit queasy. It is not a hangover, since I actually didn’t drink that much on Christmas Day, plus the feeling is in my stomach not my head.

The sun woke me this morning around 0630, so I got up and had a shower. I had seen some birds flying past my porthole and went outside to take some photos, but the wind almost blew me off the deck. So I went back to bed to await breakfast. I am not sure how sheltered it is at The Snares and wonder if the wind will alter our ability to do a Zodiac cruise. Assuming we get breakfast tomorrow, I am about to have my second last breakfast, but every meal after that will be the last. I will save the post-mortem of the trip until tomorrow when I potentially have many hours to kill at the airport.


Snares Crested Penguin jumping

The wind persisted but dropped a bit, enough for us to go on a last Zodiac trip. It was an incredible trip. The seas meant that it was a bit of a wet trip but the wildlife was abundant. We saw the Snares Crested Penguins, which really should be called Mountain Climber Penguins for the steepness of the rocks they were climbing up. We cruised through a natural arch that was long enough to be called a tunnel and found a small freshwater pond where the penguins seemed to be having a bath. Being the last group through we stopped there watching them for about 15 minutes bathing and jumping from rock to rock.

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Joyeux Noel – Port Ross

50° 32 minutes South 166° 13 minutes East.

Leaves in a stream

This morning at some ungodly hour of the morning we began moving from our little sheltered inlet around to the north part of the island and another inlet called Port Ross. It is here that we will have our penultimate landing (the last one being the landing of no return).

Everyone on the boat is happy and wishing each other both Joyeux Noel and Happy Christmas. The Russian (Orthodox) Christmas is not for a few weeks yet.

Soon after I awoke I listened to Sue’s Xmas message, which consisted of a song and instructions about the three numbered presents. One was a novelty Christmas ear-ring, two was a pair of novelty Christmas boxing shorts and three was a 5cl bottle of 21 year old Poit Dhubh Gaelic Whisky. I was instructed to wear the first two all day and drink the third at lunch time. There was also a card that Sue had made with pictures of her and Jules and scented with her perfume.

Although there are two sleeps to go, there are really only two days to go as well, since the third day is basically wake up, have breakfast and get off.

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Auckland Island déjà vu

50° 43 minutes South 166° 10 minutes East


Bark of the Rata tree

I have experienced the strangest of things, a full nights sleep. The bed was dead still. It neither pitched nor rolled nor yawed and there was no underlying bass thud of the engines to pound my brain into submission.

There is now only three sleeps to go. We spend all day today somewhere in the Auckland Islands and will have Christmas anchored in another sheltered fjord, of which there is no shortage provided the weather is coming from the right direction.

These are the frustrating days. Coming home is always like that. There is always a point in a holiday where you stop going away and start coming home. It is not the half way point, or the point where you change direction, it is a psychological point where the holiday is over and you are now travelling home. On my 1988-90 world trip it kicked in in Perth. I had flown there from London via two weeks in Zimbabwe. I thought I’d stay in Perth for a few days, since I hadn’t been there before, but this was a mistake. The journey home started in Perth and the days spent there were frustrating delays. On the 2001 family world tour the kids started coming home when we left London. For them, the intervening days in Canada and the USA fell into this ‘frustrating delays’ category to the extent that Belinda must have been the only 11-year-old on the planet that didn’t enjoy a trip to Disneyland.

For me, I started coming home on 15 December. The day we found out we were not going to get to Mawson’s Hut. (This failure now apparently publicised in national newspapers.) Every day since has psychologically been a step closer to home, but touring west along the ice edge for a day only to return west the next day has fallen firmly into the frustrating delays category.  Waiting for Santa at the Auckland Islands, ditto.

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Land Ho

51° 07 minutes East 165° 57 minutes South. Close to the Auckland Islands

Rodney Russ

Well, land is near, not sure about the ho. Last night was an incredibly smooth night of sailing and I was able to sleep almost all the way through. According to the chart (because you can’t just call it a map when you are on a ship) we were travelling in 3500 whatevers (feet, metres, fathoms, the chart didn’t say) last night and now we are in only 500, so the swell has picked up a bit.

Today is my birthday and I finally got to look at what Sue had given me. She recorded an audio message that I had to listen to. Half way through the message I had to open the present and then listen to the rest of the message. I got a block of chocolate, a piccolo of champagne and a small empty cardboard box. The box once contained a diamond ear-ring, but with my record of loosing them, Sue decided to keep it at home and I can pick it up there.

The program for today has been put up and the only activity is a Zodiac cruise at 1345.

It is only two sleeps till Christmas and four sleeps before my own personal Marie Celeste ends its voyage. At least it will be four days of activities.

Ahhh, breakfast beckons!

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Some relief

54° 44 minutes South, 161°33 minutes East.

The sea calmed down overnight and we have only 26 hours until we get to the Auckland Islands.

Of course, that is not home. It feels a bit like “Lost in Space” where they wanted to go back to Earth, but first they had to make it to Alpha Centauri. The Auckland Islands is our Alpha Centauri.

I have done the pre-alpha edit of the video and can already see a few missing shots I need to get. I will grab Matt shortly and tighten up the existing edit, before going to film some more (victims), stars.

The ocean remained very calm during the day to enable some more filming and editing. All of the footage shot so far has been put into the final product and so we know the gaps to fill and have a fair idea of how to film them. We hope to get a group shot on the bow of the ship tomorrow. This activity kept me busy and I had a very enjoyable day. In fact it is amazing how quickly a day can pass when you are doing something varied and enjoyable and not lying down watching the minutes tick by on your watch. (Not that my watch actually ticks, but you get my drift.)

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The Longest Day

58° 15 minutes South 156° 00 minutes East

It is mid-summer day, the summer solstice, the longest day. However it is only the longest day in terms of daylight, it is still only a tedious 24 hours like any other day and yet another full day at sea. Actually in terms of daylight it is probably shorter than other days we have had, since the days get longer as you go south and we are a long way north of our southernmost point on this trip.

The sea is slightly calmer, although not into the category of calm that I could spend hours at the computer editing a video.

The lectures are back on again and start with part two of the seven part series on Scott and Amundsen, followed by (wait for it) a lecture of the language of ice, definitions of snow, ice and icebergs. (This really is going to be the longest day.) The day concludes with a lecture on Antarctic artists and art. Spare me. I think this is all a bit cruel since we didn’t make it to Antarctica. It is rubbing salt into the would, like saying “Here’s some other parts of it you didn’t see.” (Katya gave a talk the other day on whales, where the description of every species was preceded with “This is another one we haven’t seen”.) I would like some information on where we are going. How about “Port of Bluff – Southern Excitement”, “Stewart Island for Dummies”, or “Interesting Street Signs of Invercargill”. Or even the passengers giving travelogues of their home towns. Anything but another fucking talk about fucking Ant-fucking-arctica.

There must be something pagan we can do to celebrate mid-summer. And pagan things usually involve nudity, so that might be interesting.

The cabin-fever is truly settling in and the only alternative to bitching about it on the computer is to curl up is the foetal position on my bed and hope it will go away.

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Into the washing machine

61° 24 minutes South 150° 58 minutes East.

The sea picked up overnight and the ship is bobbing like a champagne cork in a Jacuzzi. There is a 24 knot wind whipping up the chop and we are only making about 6.5 knots which is half our usual speed.

I did a little bit of filming and had breakfast, but I think I will take a horizontal approach to the day until conditions improve.

Lunch has just concluded and in our dinning room an entire table was empty. People are simply not up to eating at the moment. The captain has engaged the second engine so we are going a little quicker, presumably to get to the calm water quicker, however this has made the ride a little rougher. Damned either way. Rodney has deemed the lecture room too dangerous to use and he has postponed so the lectures. The weather is not expected to improve until tomorrow. It if does, then filming and other activities can recommence. In the meantime my mattress is looking attractive.

We just finished our last Tuesday dinner. Next Tuesday our only meal on the boat will be breakfast.

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Into the fog

64° 01 minutes South, 147° 11 minutes East.


Adelie penguins on floe

We are further north and further east than we were yesterday, although we were just drifting for about 24 hours. The captain started the motor early in the morning to avoid drifting too close to the icebergs.

I had the best nights sleep of the entire trip last night, to the extent that I forgot I was on a boat. Most of the other passengers are reporting the same thing.

Yesterday afternoon the bar was decorated with Christmas decorations and overnight the same to the dining rooms.

Fog surrounds the ship and visibility is down to about 200 metres. Within the area we can see there is no ice. Rodney has decided to head north to the Auckland Islands and so the engines have just been started. This gives the crew something to do. Rodney had originally planned leaving here on 20 December, so this means either we get to the Aucklands a day early or we are going to head there a bit slower. We have not set foot on land since 12 December and won’t set foot on land until 24 or 25 December. This 12-13 day stint at sea will be three times longer than anything on the original program and the length of time at sea that would have stopped me from booking the trip.

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Back into the ice

63° 38 minutes South 143° 27 minutes East

Sunrise on sea ice

I think the sun set last night at about 0130. Not that it got dark as such. The sun just dipped below the horizon briefly and then came back. By 0430 there was enough light streaming into my cabin to wake me up.

At about 0615, Rodney announced we were heading back into the ice. We had found a sizeable lead and were heading south. This saw the morning sun stream directly through my now eastern facing porthole and onto my bed.

I got up and put on almost every piece of clothing I had. Although a bright sunny day it seemed to be sub-zero outside and the decks had a thin yet treacherous layer of ice on them.

The sun poked its head above a cloud bank producing that classic Bible cover starburst effect which then glistened off the surrounding ice floes.  At least one floe had an Adelie penguin on it but it was several hundred metres away. The ice is apparently about 20NM further north than when we left it. I am not sure if this is good or bad news. I am also not sure what the plans for the day are. Perhaps we will just continue to head south until we find an iceberg to Zodiac around. (I have just turned Zodiac into a verb).

There are now only nine sleeps until the voyage ends. Although it is good to get to single figures, it is still a long time. Maybe if I break it into smaller chunks. Five sleeps till my birthday. Then two more sleeps till Christmas and solid ground. Then two more sleeps till New Zealand, then one more sleep and I am home.

Ahhh…. That’s much better.

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Somewhere in the Southern Ocean

62° 23 minutes South 141° 48 minutes East

Antarctic Petrel

“Good morning everyone, good morning” although Gemma’s dulcet tones are sweet to the ear, the repetitious nature of the morning announcements makes me think I am living in the movie “Groundhog Day”.

The boat is relatively calm now, but we had a few rough patches overnight.  We were pitching and rolling, so I was sliding across the bed as well as up and down. Occasionally there would be a big thud and the boat would shudder.

The plot of the ship’s course now looks like a one-legged man with Parkinsons trying to piss his name in the snow in cursive text.

The program announces today as a “True Expedition Day”, in other words we have absolutely no idea what we are doing.

It reads like this:

  • Breakfast
  • Expedition Activities – listen for announcements
  • Lunch
  • Expedition Activities – listen for announcements
  • Dinner

The only announcement yesterday was about a brown stain of whale food passing by. Who knows what untold excitement today will bring.

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Cruising through the sea on a snowy morning


The edge of the sea ice

63° 41 minutes south 143° 47 minutes east

Whose sea is this I think I know,

His house is in New Zealand though,

He will not mind me stopping here,

To watch his sea fill up with snow.

My little ship must think it queer,

To stop without an island near,

The captain gives a double-take,

To see if there is some mistake,

But I have promises to keep,

And nautical miles before I sleep, and nautical miles before I sleep.

(After Robert Frost)

After cruising around in the ice yesterday, we headed back north in the evening to the edge of the ice and have then turned west to follow the ice edge.

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We’re on the road to nowhere.

A mountain-like iceberg

This is the day for the good news and the bad news.

On the good side the sea is calm. I mean really calm. I mean calmer than Sydney Harbour on a calm day. I slept almost all through the night and everything on the ship is where it was left last night. In fact, I don’t think my middle ear had adjusted to the sudden stillness and as I rolled over in bed I had a momentary episode of BPPV

We don’t know the results of the iceberg spotting competition, but the first one was spotted last night. That’s if we had a night. It was still fairly light at 0130 this morning.

The scenery has completely changed. Rather than seeing nothing but ocean for as far as the eye can see, there is nothing but sea-ice for as far as the eye can see. This actually has a bit of variety and the vista is punctuated by the jagged outline of icebergs. The biggest one so far has been about 200m long.

This ship is not an icebreaker, it is only ice strengthened. This means we can push the ice out of the way as long as it has somewhere to go.

More ice

Some of the pieces of ice has the tell-tale signs of having had penguins slide across them, but as of yet, I haven’t seen a penguin. We have seen several seals lazing on the ice.

We are 62° 39 minutes south, 145° 59 minutes east so still a long way from the Antarctic Circle. Rodney says it is unusual to see so much ice so far north and that it didn’t bode well.

It hasn’t, as we found out at the morning briefing.

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Sensory deprivation en route to Commonwealth Bay

With the portholes closed on our deck we have no sense of day or night. We are now woken by the wake-up call rather than the sun streaming in the window.

My encounter with sea-sickness was the first of two episodes and so I am now a fully fledged member of Club Mal de Mare.

As also desperate times lead to creativity and so I have penned a club song.

Welcome, oh welcome to Club Mal de Mare,

Tuck in your T-shirt and tie back your hair,

For soon you’ll be spreading your lunch everywhere,

When staying at Club Mal de Mare


At Club Mal de Mare, we don’t make a fuss,

We travel with “Expeditions ‘R’ uss”

So keep a firm grip on the porcelain bus,

And you’ll soon be at Club Mal de Mare


At Club Mal de Mare we’re not big on music,

Our Rockin’ and Rollin’ is sure to make you sick,

So grab a white bag and make sure you use it,

Until you leave Club Mal de Mare.


At Club Mal de Mare everyone’s a winner,

You gain membership when you lose your dinner,

And return to New Zealand remarkably thinner,

After four weeks at Club Mal de Mare.


Since it is now twelve days to Christmas, I have also re-written the twelve days of Christmas.

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Prufrock in the Southern Ocean

The great thing about poetry is that it can be interpreted many ways. I have decided that with selective grabs, T.S. Eliot’s ‘Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock’ can be applied to our current situation. When he says he has ‘Measured out his life with coffee spoons’ he is talking of how the monotony of life at sea is punctuated only by meal breaks accompanied by tea and coffee. When he says “Do I dare to eat a peach?’ he is wondering if doing so will make him sea-sick or not. The talk of ‘where the women come and go and talk of Michelangelo’ is a clear reference to the ship’s bar/library where there is a constant flow of people coming and going, participating in inane small talk to pass the time and the “I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottom of my trousers rolled” is a clear reference to wet landing.

The rocking of the boat is now constant and with are well into the ‘furious fifties’ latitudes. I think we have passed the Antarctic convergence where the circular current around Antarctica meets the bottom of the Southern Ocean. This is an area rich in sea life, but also marks a considerable drop in ocean and air temperature.

There was meant to have been a series of lectures today, the first being at 1000. However, when Rodney discovered that all the chairs in the lecture room had been piled into one corner by the movement of the boat, he decided to ‘hold fire’.

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