Here is another one of my TV appearances. It was on the “Have A Go” show. I ended up coming second, being beaten by a sexy woman with large breasts in a short dress made of wetsuit material. That was the only good things about her act. The producer of the show thought I had been ripped off and invited my back to do another show.

This poem is about being a contestant on Perfect Match. I never went on the show, but coincidently, it was shown on another station at the same time this show went to air. I think they like the opportunity to give their rivals at channel ten a serve.

After being ripped off with my first appearance on the “Have A Go” show, I was invited back to a special “Shakespeare” edition. I managed to create a rough segue between Shakespeare and modern TV as an excuse to do this poem. I hadn’t been told to bring my own costume and so the rag-tag appearance comes from what we could muster up out of the wardrobe department at short notice.

Enjoy!

Having posted my roasting of Red Symons, I have had numerous requests (well one actually) to load up the act that came before. This is me (then called Anthony) reciting the poem “In praise of the TV  housewife” on the Christmas 1987 show of Hey Hey It’s Saturday.

I like the way Oporto makes its chilli sauce look like diarrhoea so you don’t get alarmed when it comes out the other end looking just the same. It happened so quickly, it adds another meaning to “fast food”.

I have had this tool in my tool box for at least 15 years and could never figure out what it was. However, in the great tradition of old men and sheds I knew that I couldn’t throw it out because one day it would come in handy.

This weekend I needed to rearrange some shelves in the shed. The shelves are Dexion keylock and are a modular shelving system. Shelf heights are easily adjusted and the shelves locked in place with a special keylock. I was pondering how to get the keylock out and was about to use a screwdriver when I heard this previously mysterious tool calling out to me.

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Yes I know it was a millions years ago, back in the days when I looked like a gnome, but now with the marvels of modern technology I can bring it up again and give it a thorough flogging. (After all, Somers/Carol flogged it more by showing it on the Best and Worst of Red Faces a few times) I am of course referring to the infamous moment in television history when I left Red Symons speechless. And now it is on YouTube, old Red can be reminded of it as well.

I’ll add my other TV stints when I get the time.

Enjoy

Ain’t it always the way, you just settle down to a quiet rainy day’s pottering and the phone rings with a request to fix a leaky roof. Despite being the State Emergency Service, I sometimes think we should be called the State I couldn’t be bothered maintaining my house Service, or in this case the State I’ve employed dodgy builders Service.

It had been raining heavily overnight and the flat had water coming through the ceiling in two rooms. We asked how long it had been happening and they said “Months, but it got bad last night” (ie when it was raining). Above the flat was a large patio area that was being resurfaced because it was leaking. The builders (who couldn’t be contacted to fix it) had tarped the area, but missed one vital area. At one side of the patio, there was a laundry. There was a gap about 1 metre wide 10cm deep between the front of the laundry and the patio. Although it had been tarped, the rain was hitting the laundry door and dribbling straight down the gap into the ceiling of the flat below.

We re-tarped the doorway and hopefully the problem is fixed. At least it will last until Monday when the builders come back.