Coming Up

Today I’m going to talk about the happy subject of laughter, liquid laughter, known otherwise as barf, chunder, spew, technicolour yawn, driving the porcelain bus, parking the tiger, or by some vulgar philistines as vomit. But do not think that I am out of my depth in this subject, for I am as they say, ‘a veteran of the bucket’.

Most people are first attracted to the hobby/pastime of regurgitation by its lack of social acceptability, as it generally ranks with other offensive acts such as rape, murder, and watching “Mork & Mindy”. But just as other barbarous behaviour such as disco dancing, have become socially acceptable after constant advertising, so will regurgitation. After all, unlike the above mentioned amusements, this new fad is free and natural.

For instance, where would cows be without their cud? For centuries man has been under the misconception that the mouth was for the intake of food, a total reversal of this theory is just around the corner. Man was given the mouth to practise meal recycling, so he is perfectly suited to this new craze, unlike other fads. I mean, if God had meant man to roller skate, he would have given him wings!

There are basically three types of sickness; food poisoning, motion sickness, and “Oh God why did I drink so much last night?” sickness.

The first type is boring, with most discussion centred around McDonalds take-away and skippy burgers and since most cases are unintentional they lack style. The latter type on the other hand lacks consistency due to its high alcohol content. This leaves motion sickness, by far the more popular and spectacular of the three, and perfectly suited to those of artistic temperament.

The three major attractions of motion sickness are fun, fascination, and adventure. The fascination lies in the fact that whatever you’ve eaten in the past 48 hours, you can be secure in the knowledge that your contribution to the gutter will always contain diced carrots.

Its hard to imagine something more fun than spilling your dinner over someone in a train, especially if its partially digested at the time.

Throw away your BMX, if you’re after adventure, this is your hobby. Apart from napalming wombats, there is nothing more thrilling than hanging out of the door of a bus, going down Bulli Pass, yawning your breakfast over the truck behind, or for that matter, over the people of Mediterranean origin having a picnic on the safety ramp.

But before your trade in your Rubik’s Cube and race off to explore new-found delights, beware, there is danger! Generally the rule of the thumb is DON’T BEND OVER. If this is not obeyed, serious consequences can result. The rapidly ascending material will take an alternate route via the nasal passages, resulting in a double barrelled, multi-coloured spray. This will no doubt impress your friends, but the increase in your popularity is no compensation for the tingling after-burn of bile which will remain for about 25 minutes.

But if all this talk of regurgitation is making your stomach turn, it is quite easy to fake it. One day before you go to school, fill a plastic bag with custard and diced carrots and put it in your case. When you get on the bus, tell the driver that you aren’t feeling well, then sit down.

After a few minutes of travel, duck down behind the seat and make deep throated sounds. Get your friends to make appropriate comments then show the bag to the driver and ask him to stop the bus. If he is not too strong in the abd

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