Defect Match

As read by the author.

I’d hung out in pubs, and in lonely hearts clubs,
But my love life was not up to scratch,
Knowing I could do better, I sent off a letter,
Which read “Channel 10 – Perfect Match”.

In no time at all, I was given a call,
They were filming this Saturday night,
Here’s my big chance to be, a star on TV,
Shining out under studio lights.

You walk out on cue, stare at camera two,
With a look in your eye so engaging,
“I’m a fun loving bloke, who likes a good joke,
I like all outdoor sports, Oh! And RAGING.

You quiz all the birds, and you use clever words,
But they seem to be equally dumb,
You’re given 10 seconds, till Cameron beckons,
Okay mate, I’ll take number one.

The lady sounds beaut, she comes from Mount. Druitt,
And likes to go raging at ‘Sweethearts’,
But when you see your date, she’s a ton overweight,
And looks like a bit of a retard.

Then Cameron says “You’re off to Tweed Heads”,
And although the location impressed me,
I would still have to spend, the entire weekend,
With a fat seventeen year old westie.

The weather was hot, and publicity shots,
Showed us frolicking out in the surf,
She looked so obese, in her tight black one piece,
Like a whale about to give birth.

Though I did get one kiss, from this mean massive miss,
There was no chance of sexual attraction,
When she came into sight, my guts would go tight,
And I’d have an allergic reaction.

We returned to the show, and both had a go,
To say what we thought of each other,
The opinion was voiced, that if she had the choice,
She would rather have gone with her brother.

The interviews fun, question number one,
Is “Well, was there any romance?”,
What he’s meaning to say, in a round about way,
Is “Did you get into her pants?”.

“Romance! you may ask, was I up to the task?,
This woman soon had my heart reeling,
From dawn until dusk, it was nothing but lust,
All I saw was the motel room ceiling.

“That’s enough”, Cameron shouts,
“Can we cut that bit out?”
The producer has had an attack,
And Cameron, now red, throws a watch at my head,
“That’s a gift for you both coming back.

It was all quite a mess, I had found no success,
With this new fangled method of dating,
But my cute little scene, although slightly obscene,
Was a God-send to Channel tens ratings.

So now you all know, the place you can go,
For a free holiday on the coast,
And the show is now graced, with my sparkling face,
Cos I’ve just been made the new host!

© copyright A Jack 1986

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