(aka “Hip Hip Hooray for Turds”) - This should be the Sydney Water theme song.

 The Turd Song (as sung by Pat Drummond)

There are lots of songs and stories,
Of great food that’s good to taste,
But not of its by-product,
Which is solid body waste.

Most food has lots of nutrients,
Your body stores and uses,
But there’s always something left behind,
Ignored by gastric juices.

In a little while, this substance vile,
Comes out the other end,
Dropping in a porcelain pond,
And flushing up around the bend.

It travels in a big clay pipe,
That’s too putrid for words,
A human couldn’t live there,
But it’s just like home for turds.

CHORUS:

They’re denigrated, insulted,
And generally resented,
But think how fat the world would be,
If turds were not invented,
We’d all just keep on swelling,
Till we couldn’t move about,
Full of undigested bits of food,
All screaming to get out.
So don’t just slam the lid down without a single word,
Sing ‘Hip Hip Hooray’ for turds!’

Down an endless pongy palace,
Where life is such a lark,
And turds go tumbling two by two,
Like lovers in the dark.

Until they reach the treatment plant,
And join their other mates,
Floating in a sullage pond,
Like a pudding full of dates.

They’re mashed and then bombarded,
With bacterial infestations,
And great big pumps pull them towards,
Their final destination.

They surface out at Bondi,
Where they flow into the ocean,
Now don’t you try and tell me,
There’s no poetry in motions.

© A Jack & P Drummond 1987

To the tune “I still call Australia Home” by Peter Allen

As sung by Pat Drummond (MP3)

I’ve been to cities that ought to be closed,
Like Lithgow and Goulburn which should be bulldozed,
But when I go to bed after having my supper,
I still dream of Pakenham Upper.

It’s quite and peaceful like Melbourne at dawn,
It’s vibrant and lively like Sydney mid morn,
But when darkness descends, you’re in for a fright,
It’s Pakenham Upper all night.

You might think my home town’s a bit of a bore,
After all that you’ve seen, done and red,
But the bright lights of Pakenham Upper still call,
As they flash green, then amber, then red.

You must meet my girlfriend, she really is nice,
She comes from the town that I’ve sung about twice.
And if you saw my girlfriend, you’d probably mutter,
I wouldn’t mind Pakenham Upper