The other day Rod Moon showed me a CD that had been released last year. It is called “The Lawson Project” and is a spoken word CD of Henry Lawson’s short stories. It comes with a bonus CD containing “Seventeen Classic Bush Poems” including two written by me. They are read by Dobe Newton and are the same two he released on a CD for the ABC a few years ago.

I was surprised to see the CD as I didn’t even know it was being released. I haven’t seen any royalties, but I won’t be holding my breath.

Here is another one of my TV appearances. It was on the “Have A Go” show. I ended up coming second, being beaten by a sexy woman with large breasts in a short dress made of wetsuit material. That was the only good things about her act. The producer of the show thought I had been ripped off and invited my back to do another show.

This poem is about being a contestant on Perfect Match. I never went on the show, but coincidently, it was shown on another station at the same time this show went to air. I think they like the opportunity to give their rivals at channel ten a serve.

After being ripped off with my first appearance on the “Have A Go” show, I was invited back to a special “Shakespeare” edition. I managed to create a rough segue between Shakespeare and modern TV as an excuse to do this poem. I hadn’t been told to bring my own costume and so the rag-tag appearance comes from what we could muster up out of the wardrobe department at short notice.

Enjoy!

Having posted my roasting of Red Symons, I have had numerous requests (well one actually) to load up the act that came before. This is me (then called Anthony) reciting the poem “In praise of the TV  housewife” on the Christmas 1987 show of Hey Hey It’s Saturday.

Long distance information,This is Memphis Tennessee,
Put me in touch with Canberra,
I’ve got to ring Tammy,
I haven’t got much time to waste,
So won’t you hurry please,
I’m standing in a lobby,
With a towel around my knees.

I don’t remember much last night,
But I could not get home,
I checked into a motel room,
And called myself ‘Joan Jones’
I bunked down with a group of nuns,
Who were quite shocked to see
A half naked ex-Prime Minister,
In Memphis, Tennessee.

They said I had a naughty night,
But that’s not true at all,
Though there is a strange phone number,
Written on my bedroom wall,
And the headlines on the radio,
Newspapers and TV.,
Said ‘Malcolm Fraser’s Night Of Shame,
In Memphis Tennessee’.

It may have been embarrassing,
They thought I must have cracked,
But I’ve won an advertising deal,
With ‘Hole-proof Underdaks’,
The moral to this story is,
As you can plainly see,
Don’t get caught with your trousers down,
In Memphis Tennessee.

© Copyright A Jack 1987

This song was written soon after Malcolm Fraser had an embarrassing incident in a Memphis hote.

Don’t eat that apple till its washed,
Because its just been sprayed,
Those chemicals do funny thing,
Like make your teeth decay,
But if that’s no deterrent,
Then please don’t eat in haste,
‘Cos DDT gives apples,
A bloody rotten taste.
 
And don’t shake out that table salt,
It’s best if you refrain,
It hardens up your arteries,
And clogs up all your veins,
But if you think it’s harmless,
And don’t like what I teach,
Then tell me, is it harmless,
When you put it on a leach?

CHORUS: Oh everything is bad for you,
That’s what the experts say,
And if you keep on eating it,
You’re sure to die some day,
If it doesn’t make your hair fall out,
It gives you rotten breath,
But if we only ate what’s good for us,
We’d probably starve to death.

You have your morning coffee,
Or perhaps a cup of tea,
But don’t let it get past your lips,
Unless its caffeine free,
Cos caffeine is addictive,
And you need you daily fix,
Addictive foods and healthy life styles,
Somehow do not mix.
 
CHORUS: Oh everything…
 
When you have your morning meals,
Throw away your sugar bowl,
It’ll give you diabetes,
Or fill your teeth with holes,
Though I don’t believe the doctors,
With their scientific guff,
I don’t need to eat sugar,
I’m already sweet enough.

CHORUS: Oh everything…
 
Now when you fry your sausages,
Be sure to drain the fat,
It’s chokka with cholesterol,
There’s no goodness in that,
You’ll get all types of cancer,
And bugger up your heart,
Then we’ll sit back and watch,
Your whole damn body fall apart.
 
CHORUS REPEAT.

© Copyright A Jack 1984

Years ago I began writing and performing bush poetry. It has been published in the Australasian Post and the ABC book called “Songs and Stories of Australia”. I also had one poem on each of Volume One and Volume Three of the “Songs and Stories of Australia” CD. In 1988, I released a cassette called “Re-Verses”.

The Album Tracks

There are 14 tracks in all, 12 were recorded live in the Pioneer Tavern at Penrith. The other two were done in a studio.

Side One

1. In Praise of the TV Housewife
2. Gone to God
3. John Brown’s Body
4. The Original Football Jersey
5. The Quest for Roo-tail Soup
6. City of My Dreams
7. Defect Match

Side Two

1. A Flash in the Pan
2. The Day of Rest
3. Roman History
4. The Ghost of Grey Mare Hut
5. Maggie the Aviatrix
6. The Frenchie Revolution
7. The Tale of Billy Carpenter and Smith’s Elastic Brace

One Gig Poems

These are poems written just for one concert.

• A Message for Red Symons
• Ode to the “Thinking man’s John Williamson”
• Balmain Buggery

The Songs

• The Magpie Swat
• Pass Me By
• (I still dream of) Pakenham Upper
• The Apres Skier
• The Busker
• What’s to Eat?
• The Turd Song (aka Hip Hip Hooray for Turds)
• Home Amongst the Factories
• One day you’re gonna get caught

The Love Songs

• See you in December
• A Trip to Adelaide
• A Song for Sarah

The Early Days

• We’ve Only Just Bhagwan
• Bindurri Ball
• Gone to the Dogs
• It’s a Dog’s Life
• Tears for Dr Geoff
• Two Years Work

Odds & Ends

• Bastard on the Bridge
• A Craving for Caving
• Goodbye
• The Hyacinth Hunter (for Craig Gascoigne)

The Dark Side!

• Blind Awakening
• That Special Time of Year
• States of Depression No 1
• States of Depression No 2
• Men of the Park

Short Stories

• Coming Up!